I did everything for you okay. Fcuk. I tried to pretend it didn't hurt or it didn't stab me right there but you know what, here's the truth- it did. So painfully. I gritted my teeth together and went to school and what not like everything was okay. Clearly, it wasn't. I don't know why the fcuk I keep lying to myself and saving you from the blame. She says you're a waste of time but I keep fcuking defending you.
God. I really do feel like a fool.
I am so frustrated, I can't even cry about it. I want to throw things. Just anything. It's so hard to get on with everything. I'm sorry Maria, that I didn't listen. I should've just shoved it in his face ages ago. You make me feel so used and stupid. You know what, that little game you were playing, the one where you forced me to join in, the one where the rules changed according to your needs- yeah, well it's fcuking over now. I've had enough. We're through.
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Maria, what you posted, I could easily type the exact same thing down. I know everything seems so perfect. You're not alone, you know. How do you think I feel everyday when I get into the car? You don't know what I feel and what's going through my head when the two of them walk up to our class to get the other two. It sucks for me, too. But I love you to the tiniest bits. I'm here always. Screw them all. I feel as fcuked up as you do.
And I don't fcuking want him okay. He's all yours. It just gets me so frustrated that you can even think like that. Everyone knows I don't like him! It's so bloody obvious! Please. Just be reasonable and stop despising me because you think what you think. I didn't do anything.
Oh and Matt, I'm sorry for the previous post. It was a joke, that's all. I didn't mean anything by it. I promise you that. Thank you for everything. I love you for being there.
Oh one more thing. I've had enough of breaking down and crying. I've done it straight for a week or so and I don't want to do it anymore. So please, don't. Just don't.
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Excuse my language. I just needed to say that. I'm really sorry if you think differently about me now. But I just had to get that out because it's been piling up inside and I would've just exploded. Sorry, you guys.
